Now, before I shall delve into my “Top 21 Things for Which I am Least Proud” I first want to share with you a reply I received from a friend and the response I gave. I hope it will help you to understand something more about my reasons and rationale for documenting and revealing what some might call personal and potentially damaging information about myself.
Here goes:
REPLY =================
Hey!
Sounds like an enlightening exercise. I dare not ask u what ur "21" was and cause you to relive it. What did developing this list do for you personally?
RESPONSE -------------------------
hey man...thanks for your reply
well...as a teacher/mentor...one of the guiding philosophies of the exercise is the notion that: "If you don't deal with IT....IT will deal with you."
I have find that my students/mentees have a range of reactions to the exercise....everything from enlightenment to embarrassment...empowerment to evasion
the majority found it therapeutic....
for me personally....while I am not a nudist per say....I think there is something to learn from their example of complete personal liberty and the abandon of "social norms"...furthermore...if we believe the story that God made Adam and Eve to be naked in the Garden of Eden...then we must conclude that this was their first and natural state of being.....in like manner....I endeavor to live a transparent life....emotionally...
psychologically...spiritually...socially...(etc) balls-out naked...without any hint of pretense...falsehood...or cover
One of my other philosophies..."First..let me see the worst and find a way to deal with it...for after that...there is only the good, better, and best."
And so for me....(like some of my better students/mentees)...the exercise was challenging...sobering...therapeutic...and transcendent...both difficult...yet divine.
"Before we can be honest with others....we must first learn to be honest with ourselves."
But again....to SHARE the list....whether in part or in whole....is a whole other thing!!! :-)
“Top 21 Things for Which I am Least Proud”
By Darnell Ishmel
Some may seem stupid….some may be shocking…some may be not so surprising….and (from the outside looking in)….some may seem more serious than others….but here below are my Top 21 Things for Which I am Least Proud. Please observe the following:
1. I will be revealing these “21 Things” in stages…over the next few days/weeks…as I am able to find time to reflect and write about them.
2. I will release the “21 Things” in sets of three…and in 7 installments.
3. This first installment represents three items from the bottom of the list. The second installment will comprise of the next level, so on and so forth up to the top 3 things which is level 7.
4. Whether or not one receives all 7 installments will depend not upon my willingness or ability to share….but solely upon ones response to what is given and ones readiness to receive additional revelation.
OK. Here goes:
21. Social phobia
I’ve been singing before crowds since I was 4 years old. Over the past 30-plus years, the gift of musical performance has taken me to at least a dozen countries on 4 continents to sing before crowds in the thousands. Yet most people would never even imagine that I could have a paralyzing fear of social situations. But it’s no less true.
Birthday parties, dinner parties, cast parties, family reunions, church outings, civic luncheons, even fraternity meetings…etc be they large or small….I dread them all. I am the type to go late…hang out in the bathroom…or some corner of the room…and then leave early. In conversation…I tend to feel as though I am going to say something stupid…incorrectly…or just plain boring. This holds especially true when meeting new people.
I even avoid social situations with close family, friends, and fraternity brothers…particularly if we have been out of communication for a while. Most people probably find me to be professional…pleasant…and perhaps even a bit polished….but I am sure I have been viewed as snobbish, standoffish, arrogant, impersonal, and even anti-social. But I’m really not and don’t mean to come off that way.
A few years ago…I made some attempts to work on it. Bought me some self-help books like “How to Make Small Talk” etc. I even began hosting my own dinner parties and had guests by the dozens. My parties were all the rage. But I have yet to fully address the matter.
20. My Feet
I love nice feet. “Pretty feet, clean feet, manicured feet, long feet, neat feet, big feet, small, brown feet black feet, white feet, all. I like to look…touch…rub….tickle and massage…and yes…even though…I’ve been known to put a toe in my mouth…..don’t get me wrong. No, I do not have a foot fetish. (A fetish is a form of sexual desire in which gratification depends to an abnormal degree on some object or item of clothing or part of the body.) I just like nice feet.
I even began a study in reflexology (which is the practice of massaging, squeezing, or pushing on parts of the feet, hands and ears, to encourage a beneficial effect on some other parts). But unfortunately, I haven’t found many people to practice it on. (Guess that is due to the social phobia.) In any case, I think I good foot massage is a wonderful gift to give another person.
So….as for my feet…well…..they are flat…blistered…and the toes are a little funny looking. They are NOT completely horrid…they just not what even I find attractive. They do look much better with a pedicure. In fact, back when I was living and working in San Francisco I got a manicure and a pedicure every pay day and/or whenever I had to travel. Along with a fresh haircut and a shoe-shine…the pedicure was an important part of my going away ritual. But these days, I just can’t afford the $50 pedicure on the regular. Last time I got one was after I sang a concert in Colorado back in January. It was a real treat. My feet haven’t looked or felt the same since. And I have kept my socks on!
Yes. On several occasions I have purchased all the items necessary to do my own pedicure…but I have come to the conclusion: THAT is a service best performed on me by someone else.
19. Yellow teeth
Teeth are another one of those physical features that I find attractive in other people. Clean, straight, adult-sized, natural-looking, white teeth are to go for. And again, this too is not a fetish. I just like a good smile…and teeth are critical to having a nice smile. (btw…some of my friends have the GREATEST smiles)
I so much dislike the dingy color of my teeth that over the years I have come to smile a lot less often that I might otherwise. From baking soda and peroxide to special tooth paste and over the counter teeth whiteners….I’ve used all sorts of stuff….some with results…but most without. And it doesn’t help matters that I suffered a chipped tooth during my sophomore year of playing high school football. This resulted in damage to my two front (and most prominent) top row teeth…with a cheap cap job on one and a root canal and post on the other. Can’t even bleach them mugs white!
As an individual with a decent looking face, as a performing artist, and as a black man in America…I know that a great deal is to be gained in this world by those who simply offer a warm smile. A good smile can be disarming, alluring, and even infectious. A good smile can open doors…be a conversation starter…or even a deal closer.
I just got a deep cleaning about 3wks ago at the dentist. (Due to low finances and no dental insurance….it had been 7-plus years since my last cleaning!) Yet and still…in 2010, I plan to learn the power of a smile. Whether with friends, family, fraternity, colleagues, or strangers…I vow to smile more. As my friend, I give you permission to help me with this...(in whatever nonalcoholic or drug use way you deem necessary.) J
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Now….if all this doesn’t seem so bad to you….trust me…it gets worse…deeper….more colorful…more sorted…more complicated…(or whatever)….as we go higher up on the list. Until the next time, Be well.
18. Snoring
As a bachelor and single man of some 30-plus years, I generally sleep alone. I am not accustomed to sleeping in the same room with anyone else…let alone in the same bed. Imagine my shock and embarrassment when 4 years ago I was told “Boy, you really can snore up a storm! It sounded like you were sawing logs all night!” “Yikes!! How awful!” I thought to myself.
My dad snores. My brothers snore. I cannot sleep in the same room with them. The noise is just too loud and unbearable. My mother snores also (albeit not anything as loud as my dad and brothers). All those years [of living and sleeping alone], I actually thought that I had escaped the snore gene but apparently not.
As a professional performing artist, I have even begun giving more careful consideration to which touring jobs I take based on the accommodations. Whenever I am in a situation of having to share a room, I am always very self-conscious about this snoring thing and hoping not to disturb my roommate or whatever.
I think this year I will try to see what over the counter products have come on the market to help alleviate this unfortunate condition. (Of course, I guess that means I’m gonna need someone I can trust to be in the same space/room with me while I sleep to let me know it its working.) But in the meantime, I will continue to sleep alone and, whenever possible, request single accommodations!!
17. Poor relationship with my father
Unfortunately, things between my dad and I were never that great. While growing up I never got the impression that he liked me but rather that he saw earning potential in me and was determined to bring my gifts and talents to full fruition. I would be well into my late 20’s before I began to realize and understand the psychological and emotional damage that had been done to me. Around that same time, things began to get progressively more distant between us, as he blamed me for my mom divorcing him. At first, this blew my mind. “Thirty (mostly unhappy) years of marriage in which you constantly slept around, used and abused drugs, produced multiple children outside of your union, neglected the providential care of your family, so on and so forth….and you blaming ME for your divorce?” I thought to myself.
As a prepubescent Cub Scouts preparing for the Pinewood Derby, as a not-so-good first year grappler attending the year-end potluck of my middle school wrestling team, and as a graduating senior captain at the fall homecoming football game…my dad (who lived in the same house and was not so engrossed in gainful employment) was not there for me. My mom, on the other hand, (who seemingly worked like a Hebrew slave….as the sole bread winner for at least 10 years of the marriage as I recall…and who also dutifully drove the church van and faithfully taught Sunday school every week) was there. In fact….when I was pledging Alpha Phi Alpha…it was my mama who was down in the basement with me cutting wood paddles with a hand saw for my big brothers. When I went to college it was my mama who gave me her lifesavings of $1,400 to by a word processor. (Word processing computers were VERY expensive back then.)
On the other hand, had it not been for his influence I wouldn’t be the person I am today. My work ethic, my lifelong involvement in music, and many of my core values were shaped (not so much by the example he gave) but definitely by the strict instruction and swift discipline he provided. It makes for sad commentary to say I can go weeks and months without thinking of him and even years without a word of direct communication between us. Sadder still…is that I have had occasion to wonder…if he were to die…would I even go to the funeral?…would I grieve?…would I mourn? Seems I’ve already spent years mourning. I mean what child doesn’t long for the love, support, and approval of their father? Even us adult children are children still.
To this day, we remain cordial but not close….mutually respectful but without real affection. At this point….my biggest prayer in all of this actually for my own “father/son”… “mentor/mentee” relationships…in that I am not sowing any bad seed…and whose harvest I would one day regret.
16. Jealously, possessiveness and insecurity in shared friendships
As I child growing up, I believe pretty much everything my father told us and it showed in my conduct. If he said, “you better get good grades in school…save yourself a whipping and hopefully earn yourself I scholarship to college ‘cause I show aint paying for it.” I believed him and did just that. You better practice…save yourself a whipping…and use your gift [of music] ‘cause it [music] can take you all around the world”. Again, I believed and the words have proved true. I could sight many other examples…but just one more. Imagine my response when he said, “boy…if you want to get ahead in life…stay focus on your goals and please…don’t have NO friends…’cause friends will let you down…I mean just look at me [for example]…you don’t see no bunch of folks calling and visiting me.” An affirmation of “Yes sir” would remain lodged in my spirit and conduct for decades to follow.
Over the years, I’ve traveled to hundreds of cities, over a dozen countries on 4 contents; have dined with kings and presidents and have seen several of the great “Wonders of the World” including: Victoria Falls, The Golden Gate Bridge, Brooklyn Bridge, Cristo Redentor, and the Roman Colesium, just to name a few...but have done so alone. I can easily recall standing on a landing near a great precipise at Victoria Falls, surrounded by the crowd [and other members of the tour] but sorely alone in my heart and thinking to myself “this would be so much greater if you had someone with which to share this monumental memory making moment.” I can also just as easily (and equally) remeber thing “this would be a great place to jump and just end it all.” This was my typical inner monolog. For it seemed the cycle of my life over the years that for every true mountain-top experience there would be plenty of shadowy vales that would follow or go before. And I seemed to make all steps of my journey alone and without a real friend, close commraid or any type of companionship.
As a primary school student, I had classmates and fellow Cub Scout associates. As a high school student I had fellow teammates and choir members. In college I had schoolmates, and fraternity brothers. And as an adult I’ve had students, mentees, colleagues, fellow tour members, and cast members. Throughout each stage I have seldom enjoyed the awesome privilege, good comfort, and great joy of genuinely true, fiercely committed, and long-term friendships. It is, perhaps, mostly my own fault.
“Meditation is the key to Revelation”
A few years ago, I came to an emotional crisis and, after much deliberation, came to conclude that I have an excellent conceptualization of HOW friendships (and all relationships) work…BUT at the same time….I probably have a warped sensibility on WHAT friendship actually is. Over the years, this imbalance has caused me to lose many-a would-be friend, some having no idea that our “relationship” fell victim to my childlike emotions.
Allow me to explain.
My friendship concept: I believe that ALL relationships…whatever title…are based on “need-factor”…each one meeting the needs [emotional, social, spiritual, physical, intellectual or otherwise] of the other.
My warped sensibility: I feel as though my capacity to give is perhaps at the very least….equal to the cavernous void within me that needs to be filled. And so I look for some sense of equity in relationships.
The Problem: My equity scale is my own…and is grossly out of calibration with those of most of the people whose friendship I would otherwise enjoy. I weigh things too heavily…or too lightly.
Furthermore, when I find a person whose rhythm of response meets my need-factor, I can easily become possessive…wanting to hold on [tight…very tight] to the relationship, almost to the point of consumption.
Lastly, I don’t share friendships well. I become suspicious when mutual friends or associates are “window shopping” or “buying at my favorite store.” “Are they getting ALL of the best goods? What will be left for me?” is the emotional questioned posed in my childlike imagination.
Now, back to that crisis situation from a few years ago: I had a near falling out with a dear friend of many years because it seemed to me that this person’s agenda was to co-op all of my close (and potentially close relationships) for the purpose of becoming closer to them than I was. As a result, I was constantly feeling like the odd man out…the proverbial “third wheel”…particularly when I’d get a phone calls like, “Hey I talked to so-and-so (MY friend) today” and “Did you know about so-and-so’s (MY friend’s) new job?” and “Yeah, me and so-and-so (MY friend) had a great time a lunch last week!” So on and so forth it would go on like this. Whether or not…the intent was to surreptitiously co-op and undermine my relationships…I cannot righteously say without fear of contradiction. Whatever the case, the affect for me was the same. Whether or not I simply fell victim to the misguided hand of my own childlike emotions, insecurities, and suspicions I do not know. What I do know, however, is that there is a truth that exists in the universe…and it is wholly conceivable to me that both possibilities hold some measure of this universal truth.
Finally, in an effort to preserve that single long-term one friendship...I dismissed myself from the whole. I pulled away [emotionally] from everyone we had in common, ending (or diminishing) some wonderful and solid relationships. This is something I deeply regret having to do and for which I am least proud.
I believe I have a huge capacity to give, but so too it seems my void [need-factor] and my desire to receive of the gifts of friendship. For years now, I have been one of those “all or nothing” extremist types. Only recently have I resigned to commitment myself to the better management of my own emotions and working to achieve some sense of personal balance. Equity in friendships doesn’t always have to mean “pound for pound.” I am not denying my need-factor is great…but I am coming to accept the possibility that no one person or set of persons will be able to fill the void….but rather…it may be that the voide is to be filled by an abundance of “smaller” gifts from a larger host of people. And so….I am endeavoring to learn to be a better friend...now I just need some new peeps in my life who are willing to let me practice on them. J
15. Lousy music reader and unrealized artists potential
Lousy music reader
It is widely reported and uncontested that even some international stars of the Metropolitan Opera could not read music, including the late Italian megastar tenor Luciano Pavarotti. Well, I have a very high price degree in music…and quite frankly that is really all that it means…I can read music…but only to a certain degree. My music reading ability is so shamefully low…I should scarcely call it ability at all.
I grew up around gospel music and in the Pentecostal Church. In both settings there is a high premium on learning to play by ear. Hear it…play it. (It wasn’t until many years later that I learned that a music ministry without a hymn book is like a preacher without a bible…and a musician who can’t read the music from the printed page….is like an illiterate preacher who can’t read the holy writ.)
At age 9, I took my first music and organ lessons at Grinnel’s music shop out at the Lansing mall. It was kinda like…learning to ride a bike but with all of the instruction being given in a foreign language. After 4 weeks (one 30 minute lesson per week) I had learned to play a simplified version of Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy”…just in time for the Christmas holiday recital season! To which my dad responded, “Is this what I’m paying for? Boy, I don’t want to hear none of that White man’s junk. I sent you out there to learn how to really play.” That would be the end of my formal music lessons for a great while to come.
Over the next few years, my dad would come home with a new (secular) album for which I was to learn from. He was always very clear that the LP’s belonged to him…and that I was only to study from them. “You scratch up my records and I’m gonna whip yo tail!” Two records I recall vividly were one from the great jazz organist Jimmy Smith and another from the new hit R&B sensation the DeBarge Family. (Unfortunately, everything he bought was really beyond my ability to “figure out” by ear.)
To balance (and counteract) the influence of this influx of the secular and the profane…my mother (who is really not in to music at all) began purchasing the latest by James Cleveland, the Clark Sisters, Sara Jordan Powell, and Andre Crouch. All of which soon became her favorite gospel artists.
(It is so ironic that I have now gained years of experience in teaching music and sing….both at the high school level and at the college and am entering my 4th year of singing opera professionally.)
Unrealized potential
· When I was 10, Jessie Richardson (an old time gospel singer from my church) said “he is going to be the next James Cleveland!”
· At 16, Lisa Vermillion (the little white girl soprano with whom I sang my first Mozart Quartet) at the famed Interlochen Music Camp said “Oh your voice sounds just like a cello. Darnell Ishmel…even your name has a ring to it. Your name is going to be famous one day!”
· At 18, Willis Patterson, (my undergraduate voice teacher at UofM, and now dean emeritus) said, “Boy, with a voice like yours…with some hard work and a little luck….you could really be the next Paul Robeson!” To which I stared blankly but affirmatively. “You don’t know the name Paul Robeson??!” he questioned firmly.
· At 24, Fran Bicy (pastor’s wife at the church I grew up at and where I first learned to play and teach gospel choir music) prophesied to my mother “he [Darnell] thinks James Cleveland was something…but in him God will do far greater.”
· At age 27, Bettye Williams (former high school typing teacher and also church secretary) prophesied to me “God will make of you a great name.”
· By the time I was 30, many of the folks back in my hometown of Lansing, Michigan (including my cousins, aunts, and uncles) were convinced that “oh yes…he is a millionaire now….living real high off the hog…even did some work with Luther (Vandross)!”
· Since I was 18, people have been telling me… “Oh wow…you have a great voice….you should do movies!
· Since I was 28, people have been asking… “So why haven’t you done a CD? Why haven’t you done some movies? That just don’t make sense. Man if I had a voice like yours…” blah blah blah
Well, I am still waiting for the promise…the prophesies…and the fruition of the potential….along with its reward.
14. Rather checkered academic record and work history…(the irony of life)
I tell my mentees all the time that…”there are only THREE things hard about college…(1) getting in (2) staying in (3) and getting out…master those three things and you will have it made!”
I was never no academic standout but I’ve always enjoyed the institution called school and the learning environment it provided. In high school my gpa average was about a “B”. As an undergraduate it was often just above a “C”. In fact, the only dean’s list I was ever on was the one for academic probation…three times in all! My undergraduate transcript is replete with withdrawals, low marks, and special dispensations for this and that. I really took advantage of every conceivable administrative loophole.
As a grown adult in grad school, however, I did nearly straight “A” work. But that really doesn’t make up for a spotty undergraduate record and a poor scholastic base. I don’t know anything about classical studies. I know nothing about the “general body of knowledge every college graduate should know.” Don’t even know if there is such a collective body of knowledge. I don’t even know what a typical graduate in music should seemingly know.
(I find it such irony that during my time in grad school I worked as a Resident Advisor and as Minority Peer Counselor at the School of Music.)
I did a speed reading course years ago at a community college…I really wanted to improve my reading skills in preparation for college…but…it was a joke.
I admit…I am not a strong avid reader…a book has to be VERY compelling for me to sit with it to the end. I do have a GREAT love audio books…and have probably logged hundreds of hours of listening over the years…but I cannot tell you the last time I actually READ a real book…and yes…unfortunately…this includes the Bible.
(Irony of me being a teacher and lifelong educator)
Some of the various jobs I’ve had
· Minister of Music/Musician – at a dozens of churches over the past 20-plus years
· McDonalds – only for 3 weeks during the end of my senior year….I worked prom night just to have a plausible excuse for not going…I quit the next day
· 3rd shift Campus security guard – about 2 weeks…it was boring and too much walking
· Shell gas station attendant – 3rd shift about 3 months…easy job…but very boring
· Upward Bound – summer job Counselor and Music Instructor…2 consecutive summers
· Black Coalition on AIDS, executive admin assistant to the director…6 months
· Jane Brown and Associates, I was an office temp at a stenography firm…3 months
· Telemarketers at a call center in New York….only 2 weeks
· Minority Peer Advisor – 2 years
· Executive director of the Charles Tindley Academy of Music – they recruited me from Piney Woods.
· Professor of music and choral instructor at The Piney Woods School…they hired me because they needed someone badly and I said showed up and told them I was “educated at the University of Michigan School of Music”…I was only 24 years old. Over the next 2 years my singing groups made landmark achievements…singing on the Today Show…traveling to Senegal just to name a few. The school literally made millions of dollars in donations from our high profile singing engagements. In the middle of my 3rd year the schools administration requested a copy of my undergraduate transcript and diploma. When I could not provide it…they booted me out of the classroom and stopped my pay.
· Adjunct professor of voice at Washtenaw Community College and Madonna University – both jobs wanted at least an MM…DMA preferred…but Grace supernaturally prevailed….and I was given both jobs
(Irony of my work ethic…never late to work…taking off early….abusing sick days….consummately professional and polite…never caught up in the workplace politics or sub-social scene)
13. Challenged by bouts of depression, prescription drug abused, and binge eating
What can make a grown man spill tears in his pillow night after night?
What can make a person not look at a mirror for days on end?
What can make a person not answer their phone…
not return emails and voice mails…
not bathe for days at a time…
not leave their home for up to 3 weeks…
abuse over the counter sedatives and prescription pain killers…
binge on sugary, fattening, and over processed “food-like” products ?
Depression.
Often tired of living
but too afraid of dying
what is one to do?
Were it not for the thought of eternal damnation
there would be very little hesitation
Surely all would be far better off
for so it seems they are already
If I only had an assurance
of a blessed bliss to come
in that next life over there
once after the deed is done
If I only had insurance
To leave more than memory behind
but indeed a legacy and an inheritance
for family here and generations yet to come
“Oh God of Grace and God of Glory
On Thy people pour Thy power”
Don’t let my living be in vain
Don’t let your servant go in sane!
Crazy with grief, loneliness, and fear
Send me peace, comfort, and good cheer
Wilt Thou in life have me always for dying?
Heavy of heart and cold soul a-sighing?
Complete your work and let’s make it fun
Then in death life would be worth
the full distance run
(Irony…it has been said that….best artist are those who have endured the greatest pain, struggle and disappointment…for it is from the crucible of such angst that they do minister relief to others)
12. Recent chronic health and medical issues
There are certain things black folks would just assume not talk about: finances, mental illness, sexuality, and health being top among them. Sure, some diseases and medical issues have become so prevalent in our communities….almost to the point that we’ve adopted them as part of our individual and cultural identity. We’ve even taken on the language of adoption and ownership of certain diseases and frequently use phrases like “MY diabetes MY sugar MY high blood pressure” and the like. But there still a code of silence that exist in our communities…an ideological carry-over of the “what goes on in my house stays in my house” mentality of yesteryears generation….particularly as it regards the aforementioned issues.
Last year’s Christmas season found me flat on my back…fighting to stay alive….heavy on vicodin and amoxicillin…was as my body was been challenged byy some type of infection that produced these blistering….painful…feverous…and puss-filled sores…more like boils. (I wrote all about that episode of my life on Facebook and email….so I will spare you the duplication of the details here….if, however, you missed all that…and want the background info….just hit me up under separate cover…and I will forward.)
In any case….I have been fighting the “Health Battle” ever since. One year later…and I am still dealing with some issues…albeit…not NEARLY as severe and debilitating as a year ago. I am about 80% organic, 20% raw, and about 50% vegetarian. Which means…80% of all of my food intake is certified organic, no chemicals, hormones, preservatives, or pesticides….20% of my food intake is raw, live, and sprouted food….and 50% of my food intake consist of vegetables and/or food products made from vegetables. By the end of 2010 I am striving to be 85% across the board and living between 200-205lbs.
The way I figure it…good health has to start with what goes inside us. Then it is a matter of….what is actually going on inside us….ie proper and optimal function of liver, kidneys, heart, digestive and circulatory system etc. For this….I have been doing these various cleanses. From juice feasting to the master cleanse and from the apple juice cleanse to water fasting…I’ve been rotating a series of self-help methods toward healing my own body.
We live in a culture that does not promote healthy living or healthy choices….one that shy’s away from important discussions and decisions about health…in a community where most of the people (who look like me) are either uninsured or underinsured….in a country that promotes the treatment and management of illness rather than the detection and elimination thereof.
I miss my days of Blue Cross Blue Shield full coverage. (But what does a relatively healthy 20-something year old nonsmoking, nondrinking, non-daredevil, single man need with that much coverage?) In the past year…I (along with my mom)…have become my own physician of sorts. I have not abused or used any prescription drugs all year…with the exception of having a tooth pulled in October…I did to some motrin and codin. But for the most part….it’s been nothing but essential oils….herbal supplements…and natural minerals. The infection is hugely diminished…and almost completely eliminated.
Even when I was at the point last year of what I thought was near-death…. Only told my mother…..and younger brother…and even then it was pretty much on a need to know basis. It is still not been an easy thing to deal with nor an easy thing to talk about.
11. Never having been in a relationship, never been on a date
(I admit….and do apologize in advance for my horrible attempts at poetry….lol)
Yes. It’s true.
Never had a girlfriend
Never had a boyfriend
Sure you want to know how my love-life has been?
Never had a husband
Never had a wife
Hurt so bad I wanna pick up a knife
And carve out my core
(and the things I adore)
You sure you’re ready?
Just a few things more…
Never had a partner
Never had a mate
Truth is not confusing
I’m neither crooked nor straight
Perhaps “I’m just selective”
too picky or too protective
“T’was once my objective
T’is now my reflexive”
I’ve watched and I’ve waited
But Love has still abated
Yes. Often frustrated
No. I’ve never even dated
Days, weeks, and months
O how the years do fly
Hope is long gone
No more tears left to cry
What’s left now is Fear
Loneliness and Regret
Do you really want to know
“How bad this can get?!”
There’s an anger which cries in whispers
“Unjust! Truly, this is unjust!”
“In Thee, Lord, alone
did I put all my trust?!”
A longing for belonging
to someone so dear
Or a few and several more
So long as they come with Good Cheer
I’ve waited this long
I can’t “settle” now
Where the world is my “Special”?
Come on, make me say “WOW!”
Just some more of my B.S. (Belief System)
· I believe that man...made in the image and likeness of God…was created with voids.
· I believe that mans predominate mission in life is to fill and satisfy those voids. (food for the empty stomach….knowledge for the empty head…work for the idle hands…and love for the empty heart..etc.)
· I believe that…true happiness (inner harmony) is only attained when one is actively experiencing a void actually filled.
10. Elongated matriculation – 12 years undergraduate, 8 years and counting for the masters
I began as a freshman at Michigan in 1988. Due to lack of musical and academic preparation, the lack of personal and scholastic discipline, and the lack of meaningful parental support and guidance, by the end of my sophomore year, I had lost my full-tuition scholarship. I would spend the next few years….desperately and aimlessly…floundering through the university system….trying to graduate with a degree…and what is more…some sense of greater purpose/mission for my being there.
By the end of 1992, I had a multi-thousand dollar financial hold credit…and no means by which to address it. As a result, I could not register for classes in the coming semester. As bleak as my sojourn had been, by this time, I only needed 27 remaining credits to graduate. The following semester, I convinced my instructors to allow me to be in the class by telling them my story and assuring them that my university debt would be paid by my dad in the soon coming weeks. (He had actually made such a promise to me.) By the end of the 15-week semester, my professors told me that even though I had been attending and doing well in their class….I would not be able to take the final exam because my name is not on the official rooster.
After being out of school for 1.5 years…Brother Marshall Hudson…an Alpha man from my hometown of Lansing, Michigan heard about my situation…saw some potential in my making full development….contacted the university…and negotiated the terms of my return to Michigan for what would ostensibly be one final semester. In February, 1994 (already 5weeks into the semester) I was readmitted to the School of Music and registered for 21 credit hours! By the end of the ambitious semester….I had only passed 2/3 of the courses and would still need one more semester to complete the degree….however…the financial hold was reinstated. I financial hold would remain until Grace and Favor showed up again in 2000 and I was able to return for my final semester at Michigan.
While there finishing up the undergraduate degree….they invited me to apply to the masters program. I did…was accepted…and was immediately cast in principle roles for the operas….but I was not awarded any financial assistance. After 1.5 of dogging the “tuition bullet”…as an out of state student at that….the financial hold credit was….would once again become my great impasse. Luckily…this time….I saw it coming…and elected all of the course work for the 2 year degree program…in order to finish within 1.5yrs. It worked. And though under a heavy academic, performance, and work load….I mostly got “A’s” in my coursework. However….I still have to do 2 language courses/test…French and Italian….which are prerequisites for entering into the masters program. Technically…the school was not supposed to let me in to the program without having taken those prerequisite courses.
Long story short…. “[school and academic] life for me aint been no crystal stairs…”
Even though Grace and Mercy has brought me from a long ways off…as one who loves the institution of higher learning and had hoped to make PhD by age 27…..I take no pride in admitting to people that the undergraduate degree took me 12 years…and the graduate degree 8 years and counting.
1-9 Currently unavailable to the greater public. :-( Available only via response and request.
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Upcoming Post:
"My 2009 Year in Review"
1st Quarter update on my "2010 Bucket List"
"Black Baritones and Vertical Speech"
"My First Porgy and Bess Tour"
posted by Darnell Ishmel at 3/13/2010 08:32:00 AM
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